About a year ago I was coming out of a deep depression. I realized that I had devoted my entire life to helping others and while I love what I do for others the reality is that I just wasn’t doing those things for myself. It was truly challenging because I felt stuck. I couldn’t figure out how to break the cycle. How was I supposed to get from where I was to were I felt I needed to be?
The answer was simple but life altering. I realized that I needed to be someone else. I had spent 20 years cultivating the identity that was Lotus Speaks- mother,poet, healer. Identity is tricky because once we form who we are in our minds it can be hard to see ourselves as someone else. I felt that Lotus Speaks needed a break. A break from the responsibilities and self imposed obligations that came with the identity. I needed to connect with my true self. The nameless, faceless ancient parts of me. The part of source. The part of consciousness. I needed to be no one for a while. I needed to recover, re-envision and re-image. I couldn’t do that from where I was. I already knew all it was to be Lotus Speaks. It was time for me to create a new narrative. It was time to be the person, in person, that matched the person I was in my mind.
So I did one of the hardest things there is to do for an A type personality like myself. Surrender.
I cut off all my hair (which I hadn’t done since 1999)
I retired the moniker Lotus Speaks (which I also had since 1999)
I fasted from all media consumption, wore white prayed A LOT.
I got up everyday and walked at sunrise.
I slowed down and I listened.
And after 90 days of being no one.
I began calling myself Honey because I needed sweetness. I need to be gentle but strong. I need to be my own medicine.
And it was truly amazing. I gave myself permission to do and be different. I gave myself permission to examine all my ideas and see what I was calling myself to be NOW. I got to see what was outdated based on past ideals. I got to recreate myself with a new intention.
And here is what I learned:
It’s okay to start over. In fact it’s recommended. It’s perfectly appropriate to change whatever you need to change to move from the stuck place. It’s okay to fall down. It’s okay to live for you first. The universe doesn’t want you to be a martyr and you deserve the sweetness that you give to the world.